A slice of silence.

An unfailing ability to fall in love with all the assholes. Who is nothing without music, dance, words, a voice, and the ability to be swallowed in a crowd and never be found.

Justin Nozuka

Justin Nozuka
A man who never fails to make me study, help me sleep, and completely and utterly make my day. <3

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Impulsive blogging?

It's just amazing how a person so far away, can make you feel like you can do anything with words. What I've come to learn of friendship is that it has to make you feel amazing about yourself, it has to change you with the way that person invades your space. When it comes to friendship, you need to choose wisely.

Sure, you let everyone in. You mold yourself to become what they need, a helping hand, a shoulder to cry on, a funny face, a best friend. But you need to learn which of those are willing to sit by you when shit happens, who would catch all your tears, who would tell a silly joke to watch you crack a smile.

Boy, girl, fat, thin, ugly, beautiful. Friends are amazing people.

And now, with the ranting that has been running through my head all afternoon sorted out, I'm going to dream about the beaches, the beautiful people, writing, feeling like I'm being in love, and being told the most wonderful things by people I love.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I am just a blinking roadside neon attraction.

Today is day two without the brother, and temporarily without the parents. And what I would imagine to be a break for freedom, I find myself reluctant to reach out and grab it. I find rivulets of tears streaming down my face when I wake, but I hardly remember my dreams. I find scars along the sides of my arms, which they do not bear. I find tainted beauty in music and I cannot hear. I find myself staring into the most beautiful starry skies, and the richest of sunsets within the four walls of my confinement. I find wars inside me battling each other, wearing me out, when I look perfectly fine on the outside.

I'm hallucinating within myself, within the limits of my sanity, my thoughts battling back and forth from breaking out, and closing in. My emotions are stirred. It's true, you'll never know what you've got till it's gone.

Relating back to the topic. I woke up on a Tuesday morning, teary eyed from an impossibly sad dream I cannot remember, stumbling out of bed and cringing at the sight of the rising sun. I crack open my door and stepped out, and I find the door opposite mine hanging open as well, dark and forbidding.

With sleep still in my head, I walk into the room, already used to the slight darkness. I find that nothing has changed. The sheets lay spread out neatly, the carpet cleaned and maroon, the drum kit and sticks waiting to the played. The tables filled with photo frames, the counter tops with clothes, the study desk scattered with paper.

A slight tingle in my chest.

It was a presence that struck me. In fact, it was the fact that there were no presence that struck me the hardest. It was hardly a change except for an absence of the notebook on the desk. But the main essence of the room is gone. And for three years, the smell that lingers will slowly disappear. The dusts will gather. The room will fade to nothing.

I wish I could stop the word from spinning, my head, my emotions. There's nothing to hold onto when everything doesn't stay the same. You get a rush of memories when a song is played. A pang in your chest when you see someone with the same hair, or the same kind of walk. A smile playing across your lips when you recite back things that you know they would say.

But time doesn't care about wishful thinking. Time doesn't judge. Time doesn't give a shit. And that's why you have memories, pictures, videos, recordings, drawings, writings, to force you to remember, force you to always keep in your memories.

To make sure, you never, ever forget.

Friday, September 3, 2010